The Secret Hotwife
"...while we adore exploring sexually with people, we are emotionally monogamous to each other. I'm not splitting hairs here - that distinction is the spine of our entire dynamic..."
My husband and I are non-monogamous.
(“Duh!” I can hear long-time readers exclaim. I know, I know, but bear with me...)
J and I have been together, very happily, for fifteen years, and ethically non-monogamous - also very happily - for two of those. But while the term open marriage gets bandied around quite a bit in this lifestyle, I feel that a little clarification is needed.
In our case it’s our sex life that is open - not our marriage.
There are plenty of people outside this lifestyle that assume non-monogamy means we’re all having multiple relationships. They're picturing cosy date nights with boyfriends and girlfriends while your husband or wife stays home with the kids; parallel romances quietly running alongside one another. And while that’s absolutely valid for some people, it isn’t the case for us - nor for many of the couples we know.
Non-monogamy is an umbrella term that covers pretty much everything from purely sexual exploration (swinging) to genuinely loving multiple partners (polyamory) - and all the nuanced arrangements in between. Every couple and every dynamic is stunningly different, with boundaries shaped carefully and deliberately by the people in it.
So, no - we don't date other people. We don't fall in love with other people. We don't have romantic relationships outside our marriage. That’s not our flavour of non-monogamy. J and I have friendships and connections with other people, of course, but while we adore exploring sexually with people, we are emotionally monogamous to each other.
I'm not splitting hairs here - that distinction is the spine of our entire dynamic.
Now for the part that really seems to baffle the vanilla crowd: not only is our relationship about the two of us, our sex life is too. Yes, there are times we open the door to invite other people in, but we bring them into our play. We don’t wander off into separate erotic universes. The flirting, the teasing, the planning, the anticipation, the messages, the nervous excitement - all of that is ours before anyone else steps into the room. Much the way that a monogamous couple might role-play in bed or explore their kinks and fantasies together, we're doing the same... ours just happen to involve real people (and yes, we get to go “all the way...”).
A man messaged me on Instagram recently, telling me how much he loved the sound of the Hotwife life.
Then he asked if I’d got into it by cheating on J.
Then he asked if I still ever had sex with my husband… or only other men.
At that point I knew he’d never read a word I'd written, and had absolutely no idea what non-monogamy actually is.
Non-monogamy isn't an excuse to cheat on your partner. It isn't something you enter into because something is broken or missing between you as a couple. If anything, opening up your sex life throws your relationship under a microscope - so you'd better hope that what's in there is rock solid.
Everything we do - whether we’re in the same room or not - is a decision made by both of us, with excitement and intention. Most of our experiences are shared in real-time - we’re there together, turned on together, having more-sexy-fun-than-we-know-what-to-do-with together. On the rare occasions we’re apart, it’s because we've set boundaries we both enjoy and trust. Nothing ever happens at the exclusion of one of us.
And honestly? The biggest thrill is always the reunion - the talking, the photos, the videos, and the reliving of every sexy second together.
Lifestyle people tend to get it instantly. We’ve never had a bad experience with a couple - everyone has their emotional anchor at home, no one’s shopping for a spouse, and the boundaries are mutual and understood. Most single men get it too. They’re respectful. They’re switched-on. Aware of the dynamic they're stepping into.
And even though I'm not interested in emotional intimacy with anyone else - my life already has its romantic lead - that doesn't mean the men I play with are faceless 'fuck toys.' They’re real people. Good people. Men I genuinely like. We’re not about to cuddle up on the sofa and watch a film together, but there’s a spark there. A connection. An enjoyment of each other. And, yes, for me that matters.
You don't need to want a relationship with someone to want them.
So there you have it. My marriage is exclusive. Our sex life is open. And the people we bring in are there because we chose them - together - to take our fantasies off the page and make memories we'll have for ever.
And, fuck me, those memories are spectacular.
See you next week,
- The Secret Hotwife
