'Three's company..?' What it's really like joining a couple as a 'Third'

"You’re the excitement for them, the spice in the evening, their gift to each other; it’s you fulfilling a fantasy of theirs, and feeling the desire of both of them for you is such a turn-on!”

“The first time I meet a couple, I always have butterflies,” Tom admits, with a smile.

“I don’t think it’ll ever change, and it’s all part of the excitement. I like to take my time getting to know a couple through messaging first, before arranging a social drink. I find it’s so much better to chat with both of them so we have a bit of a rapport going into a meet.

“The women I’m already attracted to if we've got to that point - we’ve swapped photos and flirty messages - so I just need confirmation that I have that fire for them in person, and vice-versa. As for the men, I’ve only met complete gentlemen so far; confident, charismatic, and secure in themselves.”

Meet Tom. He’s been actively exploring non-monogamy as a straight, single man for the past year, and being a ‘Third’ - joining a couple for sex - is just one of the dynamics he’s been enjoying delving into.

As a Third, Tom’s focus sexually is on the female, but, he explains, his general interaction is very much with the couple as a pair; this is, after all, a group experience, and the more comfort and rapport that can be established between all involved, the hotter things can get...

“I know the type of couples I want to meet,” he explains.

“I met the Gold Standard with you and J, and you've been my blueprint ever since.”

Our experience with Tom, at a hotel in London last October, was one of the best we’ve had in the lifestyle. We’d been chatting since late summer after he landed in my DMs on Feeld with a friendly intro for me and a dad-joke for J. It broke the ice and we both liked him immediately. His wasn’t the usual assault of aggressive flirting, terrible pick-up lines, or dick pics that too often make an appearance in our various app inboxes, and his photos teased a really handsome face.

“Your photos were superb,” Tom recalls.

“Your bio was carefully written and detailed, talking about your journey as a couple into the lifestyle, your dynamic. It was optimistic and full of positive energy. You were both clearly doing it for the right reasons.”

The conversation between us flowed easily for a few weeks and so, the next time J and I were in London, the three of us decided to get together for a drink, meeting at a tiny little speakeasy bar in the heart of Mayfair. We spent a really great couple of hours chatting and laughing with Tom over cocktails. Back at the hotel that night, I sent him a text, thanking him for coming out to meet us, and asking: “So, how was the ‘chemistry’ test for you..?”

He confirmed it had been a good night, and that the attraction had been strong for him, as it had for me. “You’re a 10 btw…” he added with a wink.

Tom ticked all the boxes for me - good looking and muscly, intelligent and funny with sexy eyes and a killer smile.

Ohh and the accent… I love a good accent…

He and J had hit it off too, which was absolutely essential for us. Tom was a relative newcomer to the lifestyle, having only just begun exploring, and he had a really great attitude to and interest in the lifestyle. He was very open to learning about what we liked and why, what excited me, and what I enjoyed sexually, which was a huge turn-on in itself.

Two weeks later, I met him in a moody little cocktail bar in Shoreditch, alone this time. Tom was already there, and rose to kiss me on the cheek as I walked in. The chemistry was electric. I was a little nervous in those first couple of minutes, but that’s exactly why we take the time to find guys who are a good fit for us. Tom was friendly and chatty and put me right at ease, and I was soon focusing instead on how good he looked, the heat of his body next to mine, the delicious anticipation as his fingers grazed my thigh.

After about 90 minutes of flirting and kissing, we headed upstairs to mine and J’s hotel room… and the rest of the night you can read about here.

“My first time definitely went off with a bang,” Tom laughs.

“It was an incredible night.”

It really was, and my experience with Tom (shared here in his own words) was so positive that, even though I haven’t seen him in person since, we’ve stayed in touch and become pals, enjoying keeping up to date on one another’s explorations and experiences.

When messages began arriving in my inbox, from those interested in exploring a Third dynamic, questioning what the reality of the situation is, Tom was at the top of my list to ask, along with a few other lifestyle friends.

“Do you ever feel left out, as the Third?” I asked each of them this week.

Tom shook his head: “I haven't, but that's because I don't need to be physically engaged all the time when joining a couple. If you have a voyeuristic side, which I do, there's a lot of enjoyment to be had from taking a breather and watching. For me it's about the experience, it's not always about the act.”

I remember this well, Tom sitting to one side, after the first time we had sex, enjoying the view as J and I fucked; me riding my husband before my eyes met Tom’s, and I beckoned him back into the action…

Hot.

My friend Kate’s response was a little different. “Yes, I have felt left out on occasion, the Third is, after all, the odd one out in a threesome with a couple,” she confirmed.

“The couple has a natural bond and closeness, so if the vibe isn’t quite right it can go that way, but then it can also have the opposite effect, as you’re the excitement for them, the spice in the evening, their gift to each other; it’s you fulfilling a fantasy of theirs, so feeling the desire of both of them for you is such a turn-on!”

Another friend, Reece, who has been exploring life as a Third for five years, found his experience was more like Tom’s.

“I don’t feel left out during the meets or socials,” he explained.

“For me, those meets are filled with so much excitement, nervousness, and anticipation, so I think that good communication and conversations beforehand help everyone to feel really comfortable.

“The only time I would say I do sometimes feel a little ‘on my own’ is following the meets, if the after-care communication isn’t very forthcoming.”

This after-care communication, I recall, was something that J and I had to figure out as we went. Our first couple of meets with a Third, there was a flurry of messages and excitement in the build-up, and then afterwards these obviously died right down. We found what felt good for us, and hopefully for them too, was to all message a little in the days immediately after, to check-in, to ensure everyone was feeling good and had enjoyed the night. We also swapped photos and videos, which felt like a good way to underline the experience together, and then the messages naturally faded out. It can feel strange to go from so much communication to virtually nothing, so this 'after-care' messaging feels like a good way for everyone to show respect and appreciation. We've also stayed friendly with most of the people who've joined us as a Third, and still share the odd message which is nice.

What about pressure, I want to know? Does the Third feel pressure to perform on the night, given all the anticipation and buildup?

“Absolutely!” Tom confirmed.

“I think talking about it beforehand with the people you're meeting always helps though. If they're the right couple they'll understand how you feel, if they don't then don't meet them.

“I do find that once that conversation comes up there's a collective sigh of relief, the husbands usually get it too! Everyone is putting themselves in a vulnerable position, so it's good to acknowledge it.”

Kate, who has been a Third a number of times over a 20-year period, said that while she doesn’t feel pressure, exactly, there are definitely always nerves.

“I get some healthy nerves beforehand, and it tends to be more about body confidence, as I have put a bit of weight on in the last few years and so that can make me nervous. However, once the lust and excitement kicks in, that is soon forgotten!”

Is there anything that would, and has, put any of them off meeting couples or taking things further in the past?

“One big thing for me...” Tom began.

“Is when it’s clear a couple is thinking of me just as someone who is there to provide a service for them. I’ve received messages and likes from couples looking to meet single men but a closer inspection of what they were after flagged up some really high expectations: "We need a porn-sized dick." "Must be at least 6ft+" A standard (looks-wise) that they won't remotely compromise on. "Muscular, ripped guys only." "Don't waste our time! We're only looking to meet the very best!" They’re expecting me to jump through hoops for them, prove myself, tell them why I should be given the chance. If a couple has zero interest in me as a person, and is clearly just after a human dildo, I’d rather pass.”

Reece jumped in: “For me, if the chemistry isn’t there in person, for any of the people involved, it’s a no-go. Sometimes where there is a great vibe on messages, the spark may not be there when we meet for a social, then it’s best just to say so, and go no further. We’re all adults after all.”

Kate revealed this happened to her recently: “I’d been chatting to a couple for a while, lots of messages and photos were exchanged, but in the end it became clear they were a lot more into dominating than I was, and the sheer amount of toys they were talking about bringing into the action put me off. It’s always best to speak up and just be honest when something isn't a good fit.”

What about the post-meet comedown? Being part of a couple, I know this is something that J and I tackle together, but do they - as singles - have someone to unpack those feelings and emotions with?

“Trying to go back to normal life after a really good meet does take a while sometimes,” laughed Tom.

“I get the post-sex flashbacks which have me staring off into space and I always have some of that nervous energy lingering.

“I’m lucky that I now have great lifestyle friends I can chat to about my experiences. Sometimes we share our hot stories and what we've been up to but I'll also admit that I've had some mental health problems too. I've been really fortunate that I've met two single women in the lifestyle who've become friends of mine. One in particular has been incredible. She's really helped me through some of the issues I've had. If you're navigating this life as a single, finding some friends and looking out for each other is crucial.”

So, for couples seeking Thirds, or for individuals who would like to explore being a Third, what are some of the things to bear in mind when making connections?

“Good vibes are so important,” said Kate.

“I would always say to meet for a drink before anything happens, or maybe even a video call, to make sure the chemistry is there. It’s essential to make sure you all discuss your boundaries really openly ahead of time, so nothing is unclear or goes wrong in the moment. I also appreciate when a couple takes the time to hang out and chat for a little bit afterwards, as rushing someone out the door just feels awkward, and can be a rubbish end to an otherwise really great experience.”

Tom nodded. “I agree that a social drink with no expectations is important, as is communicating really clearly about boundaries and consent if things are going well. I think it’s important that everyone feel good about meeting up, as it’s a big part of the experience too, and all feeds into the fun and passion of the night itself. Don’t rush into anything.”

“Hit the nail on the head,” said Reece.

“Make sure there is good communication and physical attraction, and that you work within everyone’s boundaries... then have an amazing time!”

When it comes to the meets themselves, all three assure me they've had some incredible experiences, but one story, shared with me via text by Kate, left me particularly hot and bothered.

"There was one couple who enjoyed dominating, and as I quite enjoy being submissive we set out a scenario to act out together," she wrote.

"We'd discussed boundaries ahead of time, so it was clear what everyone was comfortable with, and then it was agreed that I would completely surrender myself to them.

"We met up, and they tied me to as chair; ankles spread wide, wrists bound, completely exposed. I watched them fuck then, and I can't describe how hot it was to see him buried deep inside her, knowing I couldn't do anything but watch. That denial only made it hotter. My body was absolutely screaming.

"They blindfolded me next, again this had all been agreed beforehand. I could feel their hands on me everywhere — her fingers trailing across my skin, his grip on my hips. I was entirely at their mercy, and I'd never been more turned on.

"Finally, on all fours, he grabbed my hair and slid into my ass , deep and rough, while she slid her fingers inside my pussy. I was moaning - overwhelmed, filled, consumed. It felt like my body was theirs; made for them.

“Take it,” he said, pounding into me. “This is what you begged for.” Then her lips were brushing my ear. “Good girl,” she whispered. "Cum for us.” And I did. Hard. The experience was everything I'd hoped it would be, and more. Not just the orgasm and release, but the raw ecstasy of surrendering completely. It's certainly one meet I will never forget..."

And on that note... I need a cold shower!

See you next week,

- The Secret Hotwife