If you think my anonymity is about hiding, you're missing the point entirely...

“THIS is the real reason I hide my face, and it’s probably not why you think…”

Anonymous.

Are you, or aren’t you?

It’s a choice all lifestylers must make for themselves; whether to wear your non-monogamy outwardly, like a colourful scarf thrown with aplomb around the neck, or tuck it away discreetly, like a sexy garter belt that only a select few will ever know is there.

Let me start by saying, there is no wrong answer. You’re not going to get attitude about your choice not to publicise your penchant for an open sex life from someone named The Secret Hotwife - but I do want to be clear about my reasons for hiding my face.

Because they’re probably not what you think.

Or maybe they are a little. The truth is that when we dove into this lifestyle a year ago, the last thing I wanted was anyone in my real life - family, friends, colleagues, mums at the school gate - knowing that my husband and I were exploring having sex with other people. The idea that people would find out we were taking such a non-normative step in our marriage was truly alarming. It was private, just for us. We had no concept, yet, of the huge community awaiting us.

A year on, though? Like so many things in life these days, my attitude to it has changed a lot. My views are broader, I’m more open-minded, and much less concerned about what people might think. I can’t think of many people I’d really have a problem with knowing, especially if the reason they know is because they’ve seen me on SwingHub (one of the few places I do show my face) or other such lifestyle apps, and are therefore up to - or at least curious about - the same things.

Last week, for instance, I’m fairly sure one of the dad’s at my kid’s school was looking at me in that sneaky ‘waaait a minute…’ way, as we each browsed our children’s science projects in the school hall. And he did look kind of familiar, as though I’d passed his smiling face, and other body parts, on a post somewhere before...

Ahh well, I simply smiled, and turned back to carry on reading about microorganisms.

No, for me, the anonymity serves another purpose. One that’s nothing to do with hiding - and, I can promise you, absolutely nothing to do with shame. (Proud lifestyler right here!)

What it is about, is creating a veil through which any one of us can see ourselves.

I could be anyone. I could be your next door neighbour, the mum of your kid’s bestie, the woman standing in-line behind you at the checkout, or the colleague who passes you a morning cuppa with a smile and a vague “yeah it was good thanks, you?” when you enquire about my weekend.

Not only could I be those things, to quite a few people in the north England town I live in, that's exactly what I am.

I promise you, when I walk into my local Aldi on the way back from the school run, I’m not donning thigh-high boots and cracking my whip. At least not that often. I am a regular, happy, 40-something woman, with a busy life, full-time job, kids to take care of, and a wash-basket that never seems to empty.

Because that’s the whole point; it’s what we all are when you strip the rest of it away.

...I just also happen to be a Hotwife in a non-monogamous marriage who really enjoys having sex with men other than her husband. Trust me, it’s a thrilling hobby!

Non-monogamy has seen a serious uptick since the 2020 lockdown. If you head to platforms like TikTok and Instagram, you’ll see a growing number of people standing up and talking proudly about their experiences within the lifestyle, normalising the hell out of it. I’m currently tuning in each week to watch fellow lifestylers - including a few pals - on Channel 4’s Open House: The Great Sex Experiment. And thank god we have people like that, who will talk, and bear their faces, so openly. We need every single one of them - it’s a community that is only growing, and these are the people helping to push it forwards!

But - and this is the big one - there are also lots and lots of people out there exploring fantasies, acting out their wildest kinks, and attending the sexiest parties… and keeping completely quiet about it. They don’t want the people in their lives knowing what they’re up to. They don’t want to stand up on social media and own their open sex lives. They’d rather have their Friday night fun, enjoy their sexy Saturdays, revel in Sunday afternoon kinks...and then go to work Monday and behave outwardly like none of it ever happened.

Because it’s theirs. Just for them. And that’s their right!

A poll I posted on my Instagram account this week revealed that 80% of those who voted were completely anonymous in the non-monogamous lifestyle. And, trust me when I tell you, these are the people that we need just as much as the ‘loud and proud’ ones with their full faces on show: the quiet supporters, the ‘under-the-radar, upside-down-pineapple’ people, the fellow-lifestylers that populate the apps and fill up the parties and clubs, and whose family and friends have no idea about any of it.

And that’s what I represent; every one of them. Because that’s exactly what I do. I’m proof that you can have your sexy cake - and eat your private life too!

Ahem. Y’know what I mean.

So the next time I post a photo showing nothing but blonde hair and smooth legs, please know that it has very little to do with hiding, and a whole lot more to do with accessibility; proving this lifestyle is for everyone and anyone, and that you can do it as privately as you like.

And if you do ever think you’ve found yourself behind me in the Starbucks queue, give me a little smile and a wink. I don’t bite.

...at least not in public.

See you next week

- The Secret (but proud) Hotwife