Stags, Soft-Swaps, and Spaghetti - exploring the many kinks and dynamics that make up the 'lifestyle'

“There are as many different dynamics of swinging and non-monogamy as there are shades of lipstick; this has never been a one-size-fits-all lifestyle...”

You think all swingers are alike? Oh honey, oh sweetie, oh baby…no… It’s one of the biggest misconceptions I’ve heard, this idea that exploring non-monogamy means we’re all after the same thing.

“I hear they’re swingers!”

“Noooo!”

“Yes! Never go round to their house for dinner, they’ll have your keys in a bowl and their tongues down your throat before the appetisers are served…”

“Absolutely, they’re all the same!”

Hell, no - and you should be so lucky! Despite what you may have been led to believe, ‘swinging’ isn’t shorthand for ‘group sex.’ There seems to be this idea floating around that we all meet down the nearest swinging club on a Saturday night, have one drink, take our kit off, and go at it with whoever is nearest on the wipe-down beds, then stumble home having lost track of how many people we’ve been inside/have been inside us.

Just...no.

This is ‘swinging’ through a porn lens; and it doesn’t reflect the reality of non-monogamy. But if you’re a vanilla person who believes this, no wonder you’re a little scared of us. I’d be scared too! Stick with me here…

First thing's first, did you know that not everyone in a non-monogamous relationship has sex with other people? Is that the sound of your mind being blown? It’s true! There are the stags and cucks whose sexual excitement is purely voyeuristic, and comes from watching their partner having sex, without indulging themselves. Then there are the soft-swap couples who enjoy kissing and touching other people, getting all wound up, and then go home together, just the two of them, to have mind-blowing sex. I totally get this! Do you remember being a teenager and kissing and touching someone for hours because sex wasn’t on the table? Do you remember how hot it was to sink into those kisses knowing it could go no further; how turned on you felt? How every touch made your skin sing with pleasure? Now imagine you and your partner getting to relive that horniness and sexual frustration...then go home together and fuck each other’s brains out! I’m telling you...

The truth is, if you were to go to a lifestyle event or club, or hop on an app like SwingHub, there’s no way you could tell at first glance what a person or couple’s preferences are. There are as many different styles and dynamics of swinging and non-monogamy as there are shades of lipstick. And there’s a reason that those of us in the lifestyle raise our fists aloft and chant “communication, communication, communication…” at anybody asking how we do what we do, because this has never been a one-size-fits-all lifestyle, and navigating it takes effort, very clear communication, and a huge dollop of ‘adulting.’

This week alone I brought a promising conversation with a good-looking chap to a close because it was clear our dynamics differed. I was looking for someone to pin me down, whisper in my ear how naughty I was, and have their way with me. Unfortunately he was after the same thing, and there’s really no room for two submissives in my sexual agenda.

The week before, J and I politely parted ways with another couple we’d been chatting to on text, after it became clear they were much more excited about the FF part of this particular MFFM than we were (I’m straight, with only the slightest spaghetti tendencies) and it seemed to be overruling their plans for our time together.

Huh? Submissives? Spaghetti? Cucks and MFF…what?

Don’t worry. Two years ago these terms didn’t mean anything much to me either, and it was only recently - whilst chatting to another couple who were brand new to the lifestyle, and breaking down the particulars of some of the lingo with them - that I decided it would be useful to explore some of the most common swinging dynamics in a little more detail, for those who are still finding their feet. After all, this lifestyle is all about enjoyment and pleasure, but it can only be fun when everybody’s getting what they want and need out of it, right?

So, here we go; first up...

STAG/VIXEN

I thought I’d kick things off with one dynamic that is particularly close to my heart. Regular readers will know that it was the confession of a stag/vixen fascination that first brought my husband J and I into the lifestyle. One slightly drunken Saturday night a couple of years ago, he admitted to me that the thought of watching me having sex with another man was a huge turn-on. And thank god he spoke up; it paved the way for everything that followed. So what exactly does stag/vixen entail?

In stag/vixen, the man (or stag) enjoys watching his wife/partner (the vixen) being sexually free, embracing her sexuality, and having sex with another man while he watches. Unlike the cuckold dynamic (we’ll come to this later) it isn’t about the husband being less-than in any way, and there’s no humiliation-kink involved. In stag/vixen, the husband often plays an active role in helping to find and vet the ‘bull’ or ‘third’ for this experience, and then - if you’re like J - enjoys sitting back with a glass of bourbon in hand and enjoying the view; basically a personalised porn film with his wife in the starring role. This is commonly known in lifestyle circles as compersion - a feeling of excitement or happiness experienced by watching your partner’s excitement. In vanilla circles, this could be experienced as your partner having an opportunity to go on a trip somewhere exciting, or getting a promotion at work. It doesn’t benefit you directly, but you feel joy at their joy. It’s an extension of the love you have for each other.

In spicy circles, my husband gets that same excitement and joy watching me cumming hard on some sexy guy’s cock. When you know, you know.

It also helps that, in our particular case, my husband is a voyeur who is incredibly audio-stimulated and visually-stimulated during sex and enjoys watching, and I’m an exhibitionist who loves the feeling of being watched. A perfect match.

“We love stag/vixen too,” one lifestyle couple told me recently.

“We’ve found an amazing gent in a different area that we play with when we can. We always get a lovely hotel and make a weekend of it!”

Sounds like a fantastic end to the working week to me!

HOTWIFE

This comes from the same kind of place of excitement as stag/vixen, but whereas the focus there is more on the husband watching, with Hotwifing, he isn’t quite so hands-on.

A Hotwife tends to enjoy sexual encounters - spontaneous or organised in advance - without her husband’s presence, though always with his consent. This is a dynamic built on very clear boundaries. In Hotwifing, the woman’s excitement comes from exploring new people and new experiences solo, and the man’s is in knowing that this wife is empowered to play and explore this sexual side of herself without him. For both, a big part of the thrill comes in the retelling - a Hotwife will usually record her encounters for her husband to watch later, or even send photos and videos, or video call him, during - and the reclaim. Reclaiming is when the couple comes back together and has sex following the encounter; the husband ‘reclaiming’ his wife (often as she details everything she has just done, so hot!). It’s a huge part of the reconnection, and - for many, including us - is the most important part of the whole experience. The sexual excitement and emotional closeness of this intimate ritual is a big part of why couples do this at all.

On a recent post about people's favourite dynamics on my Instagram page, one guy commented: “Hotwife, everyday. I love seeing my wife bask in her sexual prowess and let go!”

Another chimed in: “It’s the thrill of knowing where she’s going, and what will happen while she’s there. It’s not jealousy, but it certainly gets the blood racing, even watching her get dressed up before she goes. And the reclaiming! For ages I thought I was weird for wanting this, but I think the world is a lot more liberal now.”

Obviously it’s worth mentioning that there is also a HotHusband dynamic, where - much like in Hotwifing - the husband is free to go and play solo. While this isn’t something J and I have explored as yet, he has had sex with other women during couple-swaps and group sex when we’ve been together, and it’s something I’ve loved watching, so I would definitely be open to him exploring HotHusband in the future. (Ladies, here's his Insta...)

CUCKOLD

A cuckold dynamic involves some of the elements of the previous two - in that the woman has sex, and sometimes a cuck is present, and sometimes he isn’t - but it’s centered on the humiliation kink.

In this dynamic, a cuck derives pleasure from being humiliated. He enjoys, and is aroused by, the feelings of powerlessness, of being made to feel less than, and of his wife being ‘sexually unfaithful’ - again, all carefully orchestrated and agreed upon.

“I’m a Hotwife and my hubby is my Cuck,” one woman shared with me earlier this month.

“He loves watching me, and loves it when I surprise him by cheating.”

While not my personal style, I’ve encountered lots of cuckold dynamics in the past 18 months, and have witnessed firsthand the solid and happy relationships at the heart of this specific sexual kink.

SOFT-SWAP or FULL-SWAP?

“When we play with couples, my wife is allowed to full-swap with the man, but I only soft-swap with the woman,” one fellow lifestyler revealed to me recently.

“That’s just the way it works for us. It started because of a desire to increase her pleasure and, through that, my own. Compersion! So the rule is that she can enjoy all that she wants to, and seeing her face in ecstasy is plenty for me. In foursomes, we don’t want the other woman left out, so kissing, caressing and my receiving oral sex is our boundary for this. Because I’m not overly interested in the play, this suits me fine, though it’s very niche as not many women want to give and not receive oral.”

“Full-swap,” came another resounding response when I posed this question to the community.

“We love watching each other and enjoy experiencing it together.”

So what’s the difference between the two? In soft-swap, couples play together but only engage in non-penetrative acts with one another’s partners, i.e. kissing, touching, and exploring with their hands and mouths. In full-swap, swapping partners are allowed to explore fully, including intercourse.

An additional dynamic to consider, if you’re engaging in any form of couple-swapping, is whether the other couple is interested in playing separately or whether they’re same room only. Same room sex means the couple only wishes to play in sight of each other. This also allows - if everyone wants to, consents, and has clear boundaries outlined - for some overlap in play, with a straight couple-swap morphing into group play.

Something else to consider, if this play is happening at a party or in a swinging club, as opposed to a private house or hotel room, is whether you have a closed room or an open room, meaning is the door closed and nobody can watch or join in, or do you leave the door open for people to watch the fun going on, and potentially join you?

For me, I think couple-swapping is one of the more complicated dynamics to address. Even once you’ve established the ins-and-outs of protection, soft-swap or full-swap, same room or separate rooms, there’s more to nail down. I’ve known couples who are fine with full sex, but prefer no kissing (not many, but it does happen), and others for whom anal, or oral is completely off the cards. Others are comfortable with sex but have strict rules about whether and where the man can cum. Is filming or photos okay? And if so, what are the rules around how and with whom these can be shared? How about the use of toys? I once had a guy tell me he didn’t like his hair messing with during sex, and thank god he did, because I usually love running my hands through a guy’s hair while he’s between my legs, curling the strands around my fingers as I pull his tongue deeper into me...

Ahem, I’m getting off track. My point is, it’s all a conversation, and where your boundaries don’t strictly meet - the kissing thing, is a good example - you have to ensure you’re all comfortable with what is agreed, and make sure you stick to it. I know it sounds like a lot of work, but it really isn’t; it’s just conversations so that you are best placed to have an amazing time together, and it can very easily be incorporated into the sexiness of the build-up.

MMF/FFM...and so many more combinations

These little letters litter swinging profiles, messages, and bios everywhere, and are basically a breakdown of interaction desires. At the heart of it, M is male, and F is female, so if a couple is seeking an MFM, they’re looking for a male to join them, and FMF is a couple looking for a female to join them. MFMF is a couple seeking another couple, and FMMM is...well, a very lucky girl indeed.

Simple, right? Well, maybe. But while many people think the letters speak strictly to the amount and combination of people being sought for any particular dynamic, there is an additional school of thought that the order of the letters can provide even more detail, speaking to the dynamics within the dynamic. For example, FMF would be a threesome with two women and a man, where the man is the focus, whereas FFM would suggest both women are open to playing together. Likewise, MFMF would be a straightforward couple-swap, whereas MFFM is more of a group sex activity where both women are looking to interact too.

And it doesn’t stop there. There is every combination of sexual preference and appetite available if you pay attention to the language in a person or couple’s bio. Gone are the days of simple: straight, gay, bi. You’re far more likely now to see people labelling themselves as ‘heteroflexible’ and ‘bi-curious,’ or even - my personal dynamic - ‘spaghetti’ (flexible when wet...).

Another helpful term for your vocabulary, as well as the well-known ‘threesome,’ is moresome, which literally means any sexual activity involving more than three people.

Finally, we can’t discuss group sex without bringing up the subject of unicorns - essentially single (usually bisexual) lifestyle women who are looking to join a couple. Due to their rarity (hence the name) in the lifestyle, they are highly sought after and always in huge demand, so if this sounds like you, prepare for fun times ahead!

DOM/SUB/SWITCH

This is another one you’ll see on many profiles across swinging apps and social media platforms, and an incredibly popular dynamic you tend to find underlying many of the others we’ve already covered. Obviously this is a dynamic in and of itself, incredibly popular in the BDSM world, but you will find a more diluted version of this in place in many sexual situations, where there is a dom - dominant - who often takes control and leads the situation, and a sub - submissive - who consents to following the dom’s lead. It’s a thrillingly erotic exchange of power that is a whole lot of fun to play with. You’ll also sometimes find doms and subs labelling themselves as switch, which means someone who is comfortable engaging in and alternating between both, depending on the situation..

Okay, now, let's explore a few common kinks...

‘USE ME’ KINK

I know many a lady in this lifestyle who can't get enough of this particular kink, that has serious 'sub' undertones, and a desire for domination. Can we explain it? No, not really - and we don't need to! For a brief period, we are a faceless sex toy there for your pleasure to be used and fucked as you see fit. When done well, and with clear boundaries, this is a hot one indeed.

“I love it as it feeds off my liking of being dominated," one lifestyle friend confirmed for me.

"I’m always in control in every area of my life, and in a senior position at work, but in sex I love someone else to take the lead - it’s hot!! It started with me liking being dominated but I quickly realised I liked that feeling of being used and allowing someone to do pretty much whatever they like to me without me getting involved. It's such a turn-on when I don’t have the power! It’s my favourite dynamic for sure.”

‘DESIRE ME’ KINK

This is one of mine, and part of why I like to pursue good chemistry and connections. Although I've definitely enjoyed a bit of "use me" play, I don’t - as a general rule - want to be a faceless fuck for a guy; the nearest available tight body. I enjoy when a guy is excited to be with me, to physically want me, to be thinking about how good I will feel sliding up and down on his dick. And the better the connection with the guy, the more this works, as I want to desire him in return. I’m going to be far more turned on having sex with a hot guy that I know has a great personality, than I am a random hot guy I just bumped into in a playroom. Seeing the desire on his face makes me so wet. It does it for me - pure and simple.

Guys, take note: female fans of the 'desire me' kink are not great at chasing, nor do they want to be, as the more they have to try to get you into bed, the less desirable they feel. Be a gent, put in just enough work to make them feel you have to have them, and they'll be your naughty slut all night long.

"Yes! This!" another lifestyle friend agreed.

"If I have to be the one pushing for a meet, my lady-boner is already deflating," she laughed.

"I want to be the one making eyes at him from the other side of the room, and then watch him cross it to come to me."

‘BREEDING’ KINK

This intense sexual attraction to the idea of getting pregnant or impregnating someone is one I've encountered a few times in the lifestyle, and it's something I think more of us have experienced personally than we might, at first, imagine. You know that feeling, as a woman, when you just want a guy to cum inside you, to feel him fill you up? I imagine the same kink is at the root of it, if we were to really examine it closer. So whether it's about domination and submission, or some sort of Handmaid's Tale fantasy, there's no doubt it has its place on our list.

One lifestyle friend of mine, with a self-professed breeding kink, told me: "When joining the lifestyle it is constantly spoken about wearing protection to prevent STI’s and pregnancies. My breeding kink is almost a rebellion; to be breaking the rules and playing out a fantasy where I could get somebody pregnant. That feeling builds up, knowing you shouldn’t be doing it, makes the adrenaline rush through your veins...

"Using word play when carrying out this kink can really turn up the heat too… “Cum inside of me, please!” “Don’t cum inside of me, I’ll get pregnant,” etc.

"All this is a phenomenal experience when carried out safely, for example by sharing recent STI tests and having a vasectomy."

‘PAY FOR ME’ KINK

Who amongst us hasn't role played out the fantasy where we're a high-class escort being paid for sex by a wealthy and discerning businessman, or a masseuse who decides to offer 'extras' for a little financial incentive? I know I have.

The 'pay for me' kink is real, and I do have a lifestyle friend for whom it's a serious turn-on. She gets a serious kick out of admirers buying her gifts of lingerie, or sending her cash to go shopping, and her lucky partner is usually the beneficiary of her sexual excitement.

Sounds like a win-win to me!

"I absolutely adore being someone's whore for the night," she told me.

"In usual life, if someone told me to open my legs in a bar, I'd laugh and shoo them away. However, if I feel like my time has been bought by them, with gifts usually, something in my head switches and I think, 'yeah, fuck it. Open your legs for him.' So hot."

While I'm sure there are more, I think we've taken a pretty good whistle-stop tour overview there, so if you’ve made it this far, thank you. Because writing all this down hasn’t just been about a bit of salacious storytelling (although let’s be honest, it is rather fun), but rather about pulling back the curtain on a lifestyle that too often gets reduced to clichés and porn tropes. Swinging, non-monogamy - whatever label you want to give it - is so much more than just a big orgy on a Saturday night (although they are fun). It’s complex, layered, absolutely stacked with nuance and connection, and (now here's the important part) every bit as individual as the people living it.

So whether you're a Stag, sipping bourbon in the corner, a Hotwife basking in her own sexual power, a soft-swapper revelling in the tease, or someone who just wants to be wanted, this space is yours to shape. This lifestyle isn’t about fitting into anyone else’s idea of what’s ‘normal’ or ‘acceptable.’ It’s about discovering what turns you on, what makes your relationship stronger, and what brings you joy. It’s about consent, communication, and creating a sex life that feels like a decadent dessert, rather than a pre-packaged meal deal.

The true beauty of this lifestyle is that it belongs to you - and you don't have to play by anybody's rules but your own.

See you next week

- The Secret Hotwife