Navigating four-way attraction: why couple play is the trickiest (and hottest!) non-monogamy dynamic

"Suddenly we’re in the middle of a six-way game of Guess Who..."

Couples are tricky. Don’t get me wrong, when it comes to exploring the world of non-monogamy, couple-play is right up there for me… (lip bite emoji) but it’s definitely not simple.

Tricky, tricky, tricky.

Let me explain: If I meet a single guy for a Hotwife date, there’s only one thing I have to consider - am I into him? That’s the entire reason I’m there. If the answer’s yes, the only other thing that matters is whether he’s into me - something I can usually get a pretty good sense of over a glass of wine. If these two things line up, that’s a green light, and we’re on our way to having a really good time.

Amazing.

But with couples? Things are a little more complicated. Suddenly we’re in the middle of a six-way game of Guess Who, where not only am I thinking about whether I’m attracted to the guy, and whether he’s attracted to me, I’m also wondering whether J’s attracted to the girl, and if she’s attracted to him. Add in the vibe between the guys, the vibe between me and the girl, and - since I’m shamelessly spaghetti in a group dynamic - the “would I want to kiss her too?” factor, and suddenly this is no longer a simple sum; it’s a complicated geometric equation.

And because couples meeting up for drinks or dinner is way more common than a married woman going on a date with a man who isn’t her husband, there’s another layer entirely: are we lifestyle friends? Or are we… ‘lifestyle friends..?’

J and I have always gone into any couple dynamic assuming friendship first. It’s one of the things we love most about this community - meeting and forming friendships with amazing new people who really get the fun of what we’re all doing. If a spark ignites, amazing, but we never expect it, and we’ve met plenty of lovely lifestyle couples who’ve stayed firmly in the 'friend zone.'

Which raises the question: if all the signals seem to line up, how do you actually let a couple know you’re interested without putting anyone on the spot? Or, put another way, how do you flirt like grown-ups without slapping a hotel keycard on the table?

This is a complication we’ve successfully navigated a number of times, and, while I personally think it’s the hardest dynamic to get right, it’s also one of the hottest.

The first couple we ever played with? Completely organic. Sparks flying all night, a 4am playdate back in our hotel suite, and let’s just say - it was hot as fuck.

Then there was the couple who blew our whole “friendship first” rule out of the water after our pre-meet messaging got so steamy, there was zero doubt as to where the night was going, to the extent that we’d already agreed whose room we were heading to, and who was bringing the champagne.

We’ve had purely social first meets that have made the seamless transition into breathless “shall we head back to the hotel?” moments, and others where we’ve met a handful of times before anything happened - enjoying the long, slow build-up. All have been amazing.

But what about those ones where… you just can’t tell?!

One lifestyle friend put it perfectly when I brought this up this week:

“A four-way connection is much more difficult to manage,” he agreed effusively.

“Early on we were lucky that we met a couple who were very forward and that we liked, so that made it easy. Since then, most of our success has come out of having fairly lengthy message exchanges. If all parties are replying and the conversation hasn’t died down, it’s usually a good indication that there’s interest from everyone, and the intention to progress usually becomes obvious.”

He continued: “There have been plenty of times where I’ve really hit it off with the female partner but can sense there’s nothing between my wife and the guy. By now I’m quite good at reading her signals - but sometimes I’m not sure, and it’s hard to grab a quiet moment to check in when all four of you are together.

“It’s funny,” he added, “because now, when we get a wink or a message from a couple, I immediately look at photos of the guy before the girl, just to see if he’s someone I think my wife will find attractive. It’s like shopping for shoes…" he added with a smile, "...no point liking the shoes if they don’t come in my size! Though occasionally she’ll fancy someone I didn’t expect, and vice versa, so even that can be difficult!”

Another lifestyle pal told me that she and her partner prefer the direct approach.

“We just say it!" she said with a shrug.

"If we fancy them both, we say we fancy them both. Once we’ve made a connection, we’re just forward and let them know we’d like to play. Likewise, if we’re not interested we’ll be honest and just say so too, but we’re never rude. We treat people how we’d wish to be treated.”

Another friend squealed in horror at the idea of being so forward.

“There’s no way, I’m terrified of rejection!” she laughed, shaking her head.

“My partner and I try to be really transparent and flirty when we like a couple, but if they haven’t made their interest really clear, it probably isn’t going anywhere. I’m more likely to assume they’re not interested than risk putting them on the spot.”

And that’s the danger, isn’t it? When we play it too safe, we risk letting something amazing slip through our fingers. We all want to protect ourselves from rejection, but the sizzle of a really good couple connection is absolutely worth a little vulnerability. A genuine four-way spark isn't easy to find, so it has to be worth risking a blush or two to see if it’s there, right?

Right.

If our experiences - and those of our friends - have taught me anything, it’s that no two couple connections are quite the same, and neither is the path to them. We’ve had incredibly hot nights where everyone’s clothes are off within hours of meeting, and others where sparks have developed slowly. I think the trick is to lean in and enjoy the messiness of all those mixed signals and the 'do they/don't they' butterflies of build-up as much as any part of it, safe in the knowledge that we're all in the same boat!

After all, this isn’t a neat and tidy equation, it’s attraction - toe-curling and stomach-flipping - and there's no easy formula for couple-play chemistry, where all the variables are multiplied. Sometimes it clicks, sometimes it doesn't. That's just how it goes. Sometimes it smacks you unexpectedly in the face on a flirty video call, or sneaks up on you over an evening of drinks. Other times it ends with a kiss on the cheek and the acquisition of two new friends. And maybe that's the thrill. Maybe it's why we all choose to flirt, and explore, and play together, for the high of that moment, that seriously sexy moment, when all the pieces line up.

Because when they do... there's nothing quite like it. Trust me.

See you next week

- The Secret Hotwife