This lifestyle showed me what men really want - and it's not 'perfection'

“What type of bodies are welcome in the lifestyle? Everybody and anybody; we’ve all got our insecurities, but the lifestyle helps you realise that it’s all a load of nonsense…”

Amen, sister.

VistaWife - aka Olivia Masterson, co-founder of SwingHub - shared this message on Instagram this week. And while some might assume it’s the sort of uplifting quote we all simply wish was universally true (the kind people often file under ‘well, yes, in an ideal world…’) it hit me straight in the chest. Because only now, 18 months into my own lifestyle journey, do I understand just how true Olivia’s words are.

I didn’t walk into this lifestyle as a woman effortlessly at home in her own skin. My body, ever-changing, has been through a lot of different incarnations. In my twenties I could exist on takeaway pizza and chocolate and still slip into skinny jeans and crop tops without a thought. Becoming a mother in my thirties changed my shape, and brought the realisation that, for the first time in my life, I'd started choosing clothes based on how well they hid the parts of me I didn't feel confident about. Now in my forties I finally feel like I’ve found balance: looking after my body; eating well without depriving myself, and staying active to keep it healthy and happy.

But that doesn’t mean the idea of stepping into this lifestyle - of being naked in front of other people for the first time in 15 years, of strutting around a party in lingerie - didn’t make me nervous. It absolutely did.

And women write to me all the time with those same fears: Will I be judged? Will everyone else look like models? Will people stare at my mum-tum, my stretch marks, my boobs that breastfed three kids? And while it’s a more-than-fair worry, I can say that - hand on heart - I've seen firsthand that it’s an unfounded one.

Here is the truth I have witnessed with my own two eyes: I have never seen women with more body confidence than the women in this lifestyle. And it’s not because everyone is rocking their ‘dream body.’ It’s because they’ve received so much validation and overwhelming positivity from this community that they've stopped apologising for the one they have. It’s not a comforting platitude to say there are all shapes and sizes represented in this lifestyle - it's reality. I’ve seen tiny waists and voluptuous hips. Flat chests and enormous, glorious boobs. Mums with soft bellies. Women with stretch marks, or one breast slightly bigger than the other - and each and every one of them beautiful and sexy as hell. Do we all have imperfections - parts of us we wish we could 'clean up' as quickly as our phones can tweak away blemishes on photos? Of course we do! We've just learned that... they really don't matter.

Let me be very clear here. This isn’t me standing on a soapbox and declaring: “Men should love our curves.” “Men should find us sexy just as we are... cellulite and jiggly bits included!”

No. This is me saying... men do love our curves. They do find us sexy just as we are... cellulite and jiggly bits included. Simple as that.

‘Should’ doesn’t even come into it.

In all my intoxicatingly fun and erotic sexual explorations, I've never once had a man double-take at the sprinkling of thread veins on my thighs as he’s digging his fingers into them and pulling me across the bed towards him, dick hard. My boobs may not sit quite where they did before I had children, but have I ever seen a hint of disappointment in the eyes of a man I’m straddling as he takes them in his hands as I ride him? I have not. Just the opposite in fact. And you know those curves we all have - the ones our eyes go straight to when we look in the mirror? I’ve spent the last year-and-a-half having them squeezed and jiggled appreciatively by men moaning with pleasure. I kid you not, the first time a man grabbed my ass cheeks in both hands and shook them while biting his lip in appreciation, I was mildly horrified... until it happened again... and again.

This is what men actually want, it seems; real women in real bodies radiating real confidence. The lifestyle is filled with women in their sexual prime. Confident and unapologetic. Women who know what they like, what they want, and aren’t afraid to get out there and live it. And the men watching this can't get enough.

And of course I wouldn't be the empowered feminist I am if I was sitting here suggesting that our bodies are for pleasing men. Of course they aren’t. Your body is for you - to feel good, to feel alive, to feel healthy and sexy and powerful in. That goes without saying - or it should.

But this message is for the women who write to me saying they’d love to join the lifestyle, but worry they're too old, and have missed their window. The ones who think they need to lose a stone before they can walk into a club or party. The ones nervous of people seeing their cellulite, their caesarean scars, their ‘mum-tums,’ and their boobs that gravity has worked its magic on.

This morning, as J walked back in from the school run and found me typing in bed, he asked what this week’s blog is about.

“Body confidence,” I said. “Bit of a girly one this week.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” he replied, sinking onto the bed beside me. “I know plenty of men in the lifestyle who’ve struggled with that.”

And he’s absolutely right. In a world where women are swooning over men that look like Chris Hemsworth in his ‘Thor’ years (we’re rewatching all the Marvel films with the kids at the moment, forgive me), it’s no surprise that men worry about their bodies as much as we do.

But what I’ve learnt, truly learnt, in the past year particularly, is that confidence is the single sexiest thing any one of us can wear. I mean we all recognise that notion in theory - celebrating it with Instagram captions. But do we truly believe it? I'm not sure I always did. The lifestyle changed that. Because I've seen evidence of it time and time again; even on a purely physical level, people aren't seeking perfection, they're drawn to beautiful energy wrapped up in bodies of every type. I’ve watched men and women gravitate toward confidence like moths to a flame.

So yes, I go to the gym. Yes, I generally eat well. And yes, I feel better when I look after myself. But what I’ve gained in this lifestyle is the esteem to recognise that I am enough, exactly as I am.

And it's not because my body is perfect. It's because I recognise it doesn't need to be.

And it shows in the tiniest ways. For the SwingHub Christmas Ball this weekend, I’ve done none of the frantic preparation I would have done at one time - nailing the gym and skipping over the office Quality Street tin. I’ve made good choices where I can, but I’ve also sprinkled cheese on my pasta, ordered Chinese takeaway when we were too tired to cook, and sampled my daughter’s homemade Christmas cookies. I haven’t even tried my dress on yet. I'm assuming it'll work, and if it doesn't, I'll find something else.

I simply don’t feel the pressure to be “perfect” anymore. And at 42, that feels revolutionary. I know that when I walk into that ballroom tomorrow, I’ll feel sexy, surrounded by men and women who lift each other up, who celebrate each other, who understand that sexiness has nothing to do with perfection, and everything to do with how great someone feels in their own skin. And I do.

So this is my promise to you: the men and women of this community are waiting to welcome you, exactly as you are, in whatever body you're living in today. You don't need to change a single goddamn thing.

So come and play with us - trust me, you'll be adored.

See you next week,

- The Secret Hotwife