The Secret Hotwife
"Lifestyle ladies, tell me you haven’t rolled your eyes at the universe when your period decides to gatecrash the night before a big party you’ve had in your calendar for months..."
Flirtation, connection, chemistry, excitement… Yes, a non-monogamous relationship has all those things - and more! But while I’ll always be the first to shout loud and proud about the many wonderful elements that come with being in an open marriage, I also can’t pretend that there aren’t moments when the butterflies of first kisses and toe-curling sex sessions give way to reality. When the sexy is overtaken by the practical.
So, in the spirit of keeping it real, here are four (very relatable) realities of being a woman in the non-monogamy lifestyle…
1) Period maths! (Mother Nature's cock-block...)
Lifestyle ladies, tell me you haven’t rolled your eyes at the universe when your period decides to gatecrash the night before a big party you’ve had in your calendar for months. The outfit... the lingerie... the flirty pre-party Telegram chat… poof, wasted! Or worse, the morning of a super hot-meet, when the babysitter’s booked and the hotel room’s paid for. Or when the chance pops up to meet with that guy you’ve been messaging for weeks who’s in town for just one night... but your trusty tracking app is giving you the thumbs-down.
Sure, there are a few tricks we have up our sleeves. A little foresight and a quick click to Lloyds online can buy you some breathing room (thank you, Norethisterone), but even then you’ve only got a couple of ‘get out of jail free’ cards a year, so you end up playing the world’s least sexy game of priority planning.
It’s a reminder that, no matter how strong and empowered we ladies are, Mother Nature will always have her own agenda.
2) The grooming never ends - primp, preen, repeat!
The waxing, the shaving, the hair and nail appointments… of course it’s fun, and makes you feel fabulous, but it’s also work. It takes planning to avoid rocking up to the SwingHub Christmas ball with an inch of roots, or to that sexy date on Friday with chipped nail polish and stubbly legs.
The truth is, this lifestyle keeps you on your toes. Eating well, keeping active, and taking care of yourself become part of the package, because when you’re strutting around a club in lingerie and heels, or peeling off your clothes for someone new on the regular, you want to feel like the very best version of you. And honestly, it works: lifestyle ladies are some of the most confident and body-happy women I know.
That doesn’t mean it’s effortless. Sometimes it’s just one more thing on the never-ending to-do list between work, family, and juggling dates - but the upside is real, and it gives you a built-in excuse to put yourself first once in a while.
3) STI tests: because 'safe' is the new 'sexy'
The myth that swingers are more likely to get STIs is just that: a big old myth - and utter nonsense! Studies consistently show that people in non-monogamous relationships are actually more proactive about sexual health than their monogamous counterparts. We’re talking more condom-use, regular testing, sharing results with partners, and honest conversations about risk - which means rates of STIs are often the same or even lower, despite having more partners.
And that’s why both my husband and I both engage in regular STI screening from the comfort of our own home. The DIY kits are simple - a quick finger prick, a couple of swabs, and into the postbox they go - no awkward conversation at your local post office required.
Okay, so it isn’t glamorous, but it’s ten minutes for total peace of mind. And let’s be honest: safe play is sexy play.
4) When sexy turns clingy - message received (...and deleted)
After a long day at work, the kids are finally in bed, I kiss my husband, and slip upstairs to a bubble bath with a glass of wine. Candles lit, Reacher queued up on the iPad (helloooo, Alan Ritchson…), I’m ready to unwind and disconnect from the world.
And then my phone pings: “Was it something I said…?”
It’s Peter, the guy from an app I’d swapped a few messages with last week. He seemed nice, friendly, and his photos looked good. The only downside? He’s based in London. I’d already explained I wouldn’t be down his way for a couple of months, and suggested we catch up to arrange a drink when I had dates set. In my head, that was it... for now.
It wasn’t, quite.
‘Okay,’ he replied. ‘So tell me all about yourself...’
And look, I get it. That sounds sweet, right? But after a couple of years of this, I’ve learned that once you’ve established you’re on the same page, the only real test for whether it should go any further is to meet in person. I didn’t always know this. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve invested into flirty texts, only to find zero chemistry face-to-face. Hours I’ll never get back. Multiply that by several conversations running at once, and it’s pretty clear that I can’t build mini-relationships with every good-looking profile that pops up on my phone.
So back to the bath. That morning Peter had sent a ‘Good morning beautiful, how’s your day looking?’ text which I hadn’t answered yet because, well, life. 12 hours later, it seemed he’d taken it personally.
And it isn’t personal, not really. But what the Peters of the world don’t seem to grasp is: we’re not dating. My story already has its romantic lead. And if I’m slow to reply, it’s not about you - my mum, my best friends, my kid’s football coach, and the school-mums WhatsApp group are all still waiting too.
But I didn’t know how to convey this to Peter, so instead I sent a quick apology, explaining it’d been a hectic day and hoping the rest of the week would be calmer. His reply? ‘Yay, then hopefully you’ll have more time to focus on me.’ Followed immediately by: ‘It seems you’ve been very busy lately. We have rarely talked these last couple of days…’
Ick. Just like that, I know there’ll be no drink, no anything, in our future.
So guys, please remember this one: if you’re flirting with a Hotwife, bear in mind that she’s a Hotwife, not a Hotsingle. Time with her isn’t dating. She’s already got a husband, kids, friends, family, and a full-time job before the potential fun you could have together even makes the list - and that’s exactly how it should be.
So, how about it ladies, any of your own to add to this list..?
See you next week
- The Secret Hotwife
Is Peter’s surname Pillock?