The Secret Hotwife
7 questions every couple should ask before opening up their relationship
‘Nothing worth having comes easy…’
So goes the old proverb - and boy is it true! The path from monogamy to non-monogamy is anything but straightforward. It took my husband and I well over a year to traverse it together. However, one year into fully-fledged Hotwife life, I can honestly say that every discussion we had, every conversation - even every minor disagreement - was absolutely worth it. They all got us to where we are today.
In just the past week, I’ve had six DMs from couples right at that starting line, wanting to know how to get from point A (monogamy) to point B (non-monogamy) without blowing up their relationship in the process.
The answer, of course (and, yes, I’m aware I probably sound like a broken record on this point), is good old-fashioned communication. No shortcut, or secret hack. Just honest - sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes thrilling - communication.
But here’s the good news: you don’t have to stumble through it blind. I’ve been there, and I’ve got your back.
If you’ve been toying with the idea for a while, this week I’m making it my mission to help you take a step onto the first rung of the lifestyle ladder. So grab a drink (tea, water, or wine - whatever gets you talking), put your phones away, and work through this list of questions together.
And a word of warning: you won’t always like the answers. Sometimes you’ll disagree, and that’s fine. Resist the urge to shut down, sulk, or snap. Instead, keep the space safe - no judgement or bruised feelings. What matters is that you both feel heard, respected, and safe enough to keep exploring, so listen generously, and ask follow-ups. This is your opportunity to really explore how you both feel about the concept of non-monogamy for your relationship; where you align, and where you don’t.
And if it gets too much? Hit pause, and come back tomorrow. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Let’s dive in...
QUESTION 1. Whose fantasy is this - yours, mine, or ours?
One of you will always bring it up first, but it’s important to understand whether you’re dealing with a shared desire, or whether one of you is just playing along to please the other. Let’s be clear - talking about fantasies isn’t the same as promising to act them out.
For us:
My husband, J, was the first to bring this up, and I was incredibly resistant at first, convinced it wasn’t something “real people” did. The idea of a faceless fuck with a stranger I had no connection with didn’t hold any appeal for me either. J was careful never to pressure me, and we both agreed that, once we’d explored the idea thoroughly, we may decide it should remain a fantasy. That gave me the security to keep talking and testing the waters - and, eventually, to start getting excited myself.
Talking points:
Share the very first time non-monogamy crossed your mind - was it a film, a book, a friend’s story, a fantasy?
Try a game of “Would you rather…” with questions like: ‘Would you rather watch me flirt with someone at a bar, or see me kissing someone else for the first time?’
Could this work as a fantasy only, or does it feel like it needs to be real to be satisfying?
Write down separately what excites each of you about the idea, then swap lists and see where you overlap.
Take it in turns to share a short fantasy scenario. Notice what feels thrilling to each of you, and what - if anything - feels uncomfortable. Talk about these.
Imagine yourselves a year in. What’s the best-case scenario that feels sexy, safe, and fun?
Top tip:
Always go at the pace of the slowest person - and keep talking.
QUESTION 2. What are our boundaries - and how bendy are they?
Can you kiss other people? Cuddle? Hold hands? Is full sex on the cards? Do you want to share every message, or just the highlights? Will you both always be in the same room? And what discussion do you both need before anything happens with anyone else?
For us:
I understand it's a lot to process, so the key is not to try and sort it all out in one night. Focus on ironing out the basics of where you both feel your comfort levels currently lie, but remember that boundaries change, even if something feels really firm in your minds right now. Honestly, I’ve never met a couple in this lifestyle with the same rules they started out with - us included. I have an entire blog dedicated to shifting boundaries, that shows exactly how far we’ve come!
Talking points:
Make a traffic light system together: Green = absolutely fine, Amber = maybe/proceed with caution, Red = hard no.
Try role-reversal: describe what you think your partner’s Red boundaries will be. You’ll quickly learn where you’ve made assumptions.
Explore some of your Amber boundaries, and figure out what would need to change to make them Green.
Fantasise together about your ideal first time. Walk through it step-by-step, keeping that traffic light system going, and delve into any Ambers or Reds you hit up against. If something is Red, make sure you both understand why it is.
Decide on your deal-breakers - friends, colleagues, regular playmates vs one-offs.
Everyone’s version of what is acceptable is different - some couples love flirting and kissing and lots of build-up over drinks, while others prefer sex with anonymous strangers in a club. Figure out what your version of non-monogamy looks like as a couple. There’s no right or wrong answer - the variety in the lifestyle is huge!
Top tip:
Boundaries only make sense while they're supporting our desires - not limiting them. Agree on the non-negotiables for now, check in regularly, and give yourselves permission to move the goalposts as you go.
QUESTION 3. Are we ready to deal with jealousy?
The idea that jealousy and non-monogamy don’t mix is fake news, so don't assume that, because you get jealous sometimes, non-monogamy isn't for you. If you embark on this journey together, jealousy is likely to rear its head at some point, and that’s okay. The trick is not to treat it as a monster, but as an emotion you can work with, and maybe even play with.
For us:
I’ve met plenty of couples who find jealousy part of the thrill. Gage, the CEO of SwingHub, once told me that the cocktail of jealousy and arousal hits him hardest when his wife Olivia’s out on a date he can’t see. For him, the payoff is reclaim sex: “When she’s back with me, and I finally cum with her after all that, it’s a million times better, and then whoosh - the jealousy’s gone, and we’re both on such a high. ”
Talking points:
Share your ‘jealousy triggers’ - is it perceived flirting in texts? Seeing your partner give someone else attention? Is this more likely to trigger you when it’s someone you know, or someone you don’t?
Now flip it: what do you imagine might actually turn you on about seeing your partner desired by someone else?
Decide on whether you both see value in implementing some rules to keep the personal and the spicy separate - for example, no messaging other people when you’re in bed together, out on a date night, or spending time with family - or whether you’re happy to let the two co-exist more naturally.
Talk about ‘productive jealousy’ (that kind that sparks arousal) vs ‘toxic jealousy’ (that leaves you resentful or insecure).
How could you handle jealousy together as a couple? What signals should your partner look out for, and what should they do when it shows up?
What reassurance would feel best - words, physical affection, messages while apart, or a hot debrief later?
Top tip:
Jealousy isn’t the enemy, silence is. Talk about it, name it, even play with it if you want to - just don’t ignore it.
QUESTION 4. What are we actually expecting to get out of this?
Is it more orgasms? More excitement? More connection? The butterflies of new experiences? A sexy secret that nobody but the two of you knows about..?
For us:
It ended up being all of the above, our sex life has changed completely! It's easy for sex to be relegated and put on the back burner as the responsibilities of work and family-life take priority. This lifestyle helped sex take centre stage in our life together again, with teasing, flirting, and intimacy off the charts. There’s also an increased connection between us that comes from reaching a place of complete honesty and trust in one another.
Talking points:
What is it you’re each craving the most? Sexual variety? The thrill of being desired? A deeper connection?
The lifestyle is nothing if not varied - stag/vixen, solo Hotwife dates, threesomes, moresomes, couple-swaps, public sex at parties - what are you both excited to try?
How would you each describe your sex-life now? What are the areas you’d like to see change? Would you like sex to be more frequent? More adventurous? Does the idea of ‘firsts’ with new people turn you on?
Discuss the possible ripple effects: more confidence, hotter flirting, more time together to play and explore, kitchen counter gropes, and texts so filthy you have to delete them before the kids borrow your phone…
Top tip:
Be clear on your why, as knowing what you’re both chasing makes it easier to spot when you find it.
QUESTION 5. What’s private and what’s public?
This question has a few different layers. Is your exploration a secret just for the two of you, or will you let close friends in on it? When you’re on apps or messaging others, what photos or videos are okay to share - and will faces ever be included? And how much of your chatting with others will you share with each other?
For us:
Our answers have shifted over time. At first we didn't want anybody to know what we were up to. Over time, as we’ve become more comfortable, we’ve let a handful of friends in on the secret, and it feels amazing to be open with them. The line between our vanilla life and spicy life is much thinner these days.
Online, we keep things anonymous unless we’re on trusted platforms like SwingHub or Killing Kittens. When it comes to messaging, faces stay hidden until we’re ready to meet for a drink, and our communication has shifted too: from nightly check-ins and message reviews, to an open-phone policy and updates when there’s something worth sharing.
Talking points:
Decide who’s in your ‘circle of trust.’ Who outside of your relationship, if anyone, gets to know?
Talk photos: what feels safe to share online and on apps and what’s reserved for private messages? Don’t forget to think about identifiable details, like tattoos or jewellery.
Explore your comfort zones with apps: anonymous usernames and faceless pics, or full couple profiles?
Choose photos you each think would be good to use on your app profiles and in private messages, then compare choices. Consider making a secret bank of photos you both know are safe to use.
Discuss how much transparency you need with each other when chatting to others: every single message shared, or just key updates?
Imagine a worst-case scenario: what if a family member, colleague, or neighbour stumbled across your profile? How would you handle it together?
Top tip:
Decide together what gets shared, where, and with who. Nothing gets revealed unless you both agree.
QUESTION 6. Can either of us call time - and will the other listen?
At some stage, one of you may hit a moment where things just don’t feel right anymore, and you need a clear way to say so. That might be a subtle signal in conversation at a club, or a safeword in the bedroom. The important part is deciding what happens next. Does “carrot sticks” (or whatever you choose!) mean you both step away together, or that one can stay and play while the other bows out?
If your rule is “we’re all in, or neither of us is,” agree how you’ll gracefully exit a situation without drama. And if the pause runs deeper - one of you needing a break from the lifestyle altogether - make sure you’ve talked about what that looks like, and how you’ll both handle it.
For us:
We’ve used all manner of these signals over time - a long knee squeeze at a ‘vibe check’ drink is a great sign, whereas a quick succession of knee taps means ‘let’s get the hell out of here.’ We have similar cues for when a conversation at a party needs bringing to an end, and even a word that signals one of us is ready to wrap up for the night. And though neither of us has ever wanted to step away from the lifestyle, we understand that if one of us ever did, we both would. We're one another's priority - always.
Talking points:
Choose your ‘time out’ signals and safewords, something that will be clear to you both, but subtle to those around you.
Decide in advance: when one of us calls time, do we both step away, or is it okay for one to continue while the other takes a breather?
Plan your exits: how do you leave politely without bruised feelings?
Discuss lifestyle breaks: if one of you needs to pause for weeks or months, how do you both handle it? And if one of you decides non-monogamy no longer feels like a good option for you as a couple, can you both commit to walking away?
Top tip:
Calling time needs to be a promise, not a problem. Your partner’s comfort must always come first.
QUESTION 7. How do we keep ‘us’ the main event?
The sexiest part of the lifestyle isn’t out there - it’s the intimacy between the two of you, so how do you make sure that stays front and centre when there are so many bright and shiny new things going on around you?
For us:
We’re personally big on pre-briefing and debriefing, talking through our feelings, getting each other wound up before dates, and always reconnecting afterwards with reclaim sex (sooo hot!). Then it’s debriefing over chicken wings and red wine in bed. If we’re apart, then photos and videos are a must. After all, I’m a Hotwife, not a Hotsingle, and seeing the enjoyment on my husband’s face, or reading his excitement and anticipation in messages, is my biggest turn-on.
Talking points
Create rituals: what’s your pre-play routine, and how do you reconnect afterwards?
What kind of ‘reconnection’ sex turns you on the most - is it slow and sensual, or rough and ravenous?
As well as all the sexy fun you’ll be having in the lifestyle, think about how you can prioritise ‘you’ time, with date nights, and early nights in bed together.
When you’re apart, how will you keep each other looped in? Live updates, naughty photos, or a detailed replay later..?
Top tip:
Never stop feeding the fire at home. Make sure every experience you have ends with the two of you closer, hornier, and happier than before.
I hope this checklist gives you a little inspiration and opens the door to many more sexy conversations on the subject of non-monogamy. After all, the question of whether or not to open up your relationship was never going to be all wrapped up in a one-and-done discussion; it's an ongoing dialogue, and a constant reminder that your relationship is truly worth investing in.
In the meantime, keep talking, keep sharing, keep being honest - and keep me in the loop!
See you next week,
- The Secret Hotwife
