"I panicked, I couldn’t get hard..." - the pressure and reality of sex and erections for men in the lifestyle

"I can feel my heart pounding away in my chest. I'm getting breathless and I'm spiralling into a panic..."

It's late spring and I'm in a hotel room in central London. It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, a clear blue sky. No expense has been spared on the room; a king-sized bed, a bathroom with a black marble finish, luxury grooming products and Egyptian cotton towels. You can hear the hustle and bustle of the city outside and our room has stunning views overlooking the Thames.

In front of me is a drop-dead gorgeous woman.

She has long dark hair, her body curvy and toned. She has a sexy accent and a seductive voice. The voice notes she left me in our Telegram chat made me melt. Our social meet the month prior had been brilliant. The hours flew by and we ended our date with a cheeky kiss. I couldn't wait to see her again.

When our schedules finally aligned, we set a date.

The day started well enough. We had a few drinks downstairs in the bar before heading up to the hotel room. We began kissing in the lift on the way up. As soon as we entered the room we began slowly removing our clothes. It's so hot undressing someone you fancy for the first time; our hands running over each other, fingers lingering just that little bit longer. I find kissing such an intimate act and when we shared our first kiss on our social I became a little aroused by it.

We continue kissing now and she runs her hand over the top of my boxers. My finger are circling her belly button. I slide my hand underneath her lingerie. She lets out a deep breath as I feel her wetness. She pulls my boxers down to my knees and starts going down on me. Her mouth feels incredible... but... I'm not getting that hard.

I pull her up and kiss her. I pick her up in my arms and place her on the bed. I slowly kiss her body, teasing her breasts with my tongue as I slowly work my way down. I kiss the inside of her thighs, she squirms as she feels the heat of my breath. After teasing her a little, I take a long, slow lick right over her. Her head falls back onto the pillow and her thighs quiver. Her sexy feminine voice letting out a deep sigh of pleasure. I spend a lot of time going down on her, I love it.

I'm starting to get a bit concerned though, oral sex is a huge turn on for me and today... I'm just not feeling it.

She tries to take me in her mouth again, but it's futile. I can feel my heart pounding away in my chest. I'm getting breathless and I'm spiralling into a panic.

I'm not going to get an erection. It's not happening. I couldn’t get hard.

Eventually, with reluctance, a huge amount of embarrassment, and feeling totally emasculated, the words finally escape my mouth.

"I'm sorry.....but it's not going to happen."

I want to crawl into a hole and die. The Boogeyman - impotence, erectile dysfunction, whatever you want to call it; the thing that terrifies us penis owners had got me. It's a very strange and scary feeling when you first experience the inability to get an erection, when everything about the situation you're in should be making you hard. I know I fancied that woman, I still do. We got on really well and she did everything I could've asked for....but it just didn't happen.

The experience was a big knock to my confidence and, immediately, a seed of doubt was planted in my head. What if it happens again? What if next time the woman I'm with takes it personally? I'm naturally an over-thinker and I could feel myself turning this into a monster.

I decided to do some research and see if there was anything I could address. The usual health advice of reducing alcohol consumption, eating a healthy diet, quit smoking and getting regular exercise would all help. You can go further and have a hormone and blood test to get a more comprehensive overview of your health and, although this is advice worth taking, I'm not a drinker, I've never smoked, and I eat a healthy diet. I have a physical job and I enjoy practicing martial arts and keeping active. I get my bloodwork and hormones tested every year and, for 38, I'm not too shabby.

In my search to find some answers I came across an app called Mojo. The app provides useful insight into men suffering with Erectile Dysfunction, and provides education and treatment. I started looking up how common it is for younger men not to get hard during sex. Generally Erectile Dysfunction is something that affects men as they get older. There's an uptrend among the younger age bracket but it's often health related.

I made my way through the exercises and read the articles, and one thing in particular stood out (pun not intended).

Men, including me, want to keep our challenges in the bedroom a secret. But, why? After all, I discuss just about everything with my friends, so why do I have such reluctance to talk about this?

Is it purely embarrassment? Shame? The worry of being seen as a loser and laughed at?

What I felt then, and have for some time now since I started exploring this lifestyle, is the feeling of mounting pressure. I felt it in it's most obvious form when I attended a sold-out event at a lifestyle club with a friend earlier this year. Despite her having dipped her toes into this world decades ago, she felt overwhelmed by the 300+ people in attendance. It was simply too overstimulating an experience for us to relax in, and we ended our night early.

Then there are the private meets. You've connected with someone over an app, your social has gone well, and you decide to take things further so you set a date to meet. You can't always arrange that immediately, sometimes a few months can pass. Between that time and meeting, things can change. Life gets in the way, you've gotten sick or you're simply not feeling your best. You don't want to let someone down but you also know you're not up for it. I went through with it that day. Hoping I'd shake off what I was feeling; it didn't work.

The lifestyle can be an exciting place for those who enter, but we have to remind ourselves that none of us are machines, we're all putting ourselves out there to be vulnerable. As men, we can't guarantee we'll get an erection, that we'll become physically aroused regardless of the circumstances. Whether newcomers or seasoned veterans, we're simply asking too much of ourselves. We shouldn't have those expectations. It's not realistic.

There's a sense of freedom and empowerment when we start to open up about our sexual desires; the feeling that you're part of something where it's respected - sometimes celebrated - and that's exhilarating. Those are some of the positives.

However, bad things can happen. I need to become comfortable talking about the difficult and sometimes embarrassing things too. Not just for myself but for others - especially other single men that are new to the lifestyle and find themselves in the same situation. If I'm going to continue my journey here, it's a way that I can positively contribute.

So I wrote this blog in the hopes that others might read it and relate. I'm holding up my hand and letting others know that yeah... I've been there. It happens. Don't beat yourself up about it, like I've been doing. We're only human, and one thing I've learned through talking to people and exploring this deeper is that it's actually very common in the lifestyle.

I'm then going to focus on building up my confidence again; give myself the best opportunities by slowly taking the time to interact with others over the apps.

If that goes well, I'll take as many of the external factors that could stress me out as I can, and remove them from the picture. I'll take time getting to know someone and have a social first, in person - something low stakes like a coffee or a drink without any expectations. I'll have more than one social if I think it's needed.

I'll give myself plenty of time too on the day. I'll clear out my schedule, not just for me but for them as well. That way I don't have somewhere else I'll need to be. I won't worry about the time or clock watch.

If I do start to feel overwhelmed and anxious, I know I'll have the option to spend more time dissipating those nerves. I can always head to the room a bit later.

I'll also remind myself that sex doesn't have to mean penetration. It's not the be-all and end-all of sex. I can use my fingers, my mouth, and remembering that takes some of the pressure off. After all, this lifestyle - and the experiences we enjoy within it - are all about connection and being present to relax and enjoy those moments of intimacy and pleasure with others in the community.

*Tom is a single male living in London. He has been exploring non-monogamy for a year.